What the fudge happened there?

What a bloody few weeks eh? The last time I posted was the middle of February which seems like a lifetime away now doesn’t it? We’ve all had so much happen to us, sometimes I wonder if this just a massive dream? I keep telling people it’s like the shower scene in Dallas!

Mid-February I was gearing up to start a new business, The Hive Mind Company, which was supposed to be about supporting women in business with mental health issues. Little did I know that I’d be looking at protecting my own mental health!

For the last four weeks, we’ve been on lockdown as Covid-19 runs rampant around the world. There is so much that I could say about this, in terms of how it’s been handled here in the UK. But for once in my life, I think that I may leave this subject alone right now. I will come back to it, just not today!

What I can talk about are my own struggles and successes. That’s much more interesting (or at least I think so) Feel free to tell me if you think this is a load of shite!

First up, my relationship with food. It is not always a good one. Since lockdown, I seem to be eating like a horse! I thought some of it was hormones, bloody things that they are, but I actually think a lot of it could be mental stuff. You know, the old emotional eating thing? I’ve never hidden that I’ve struggled with my weight. I put on a LOT when I was in a bad marriage. I lost some of it, but I’ve been slowly creeping up again. It makes me so sad. I know I have issues, as a wonderful person said on a Facebook Live recently, it’s never about the food. It isn’t.

It’s about not being good enough, not being loved enough, not being who you wanted to be and in some cases an alternative to other types of self-harm. I am that person.  It used to be the drink, now it’s food. It’s the only thing that I have left in terms of vices. I am sure things will settle and I’ll get back to a level of sensible eating, or at least that’s what I hope.

In other metal news, I’ve been doing better than I thought. OK, perhaps that’s not the whole truth. It’s been hard. I am getting freaked out by germs and people. As a touchy-feely extrovert that is shite. I am scared to go out. I need to go to the local Amazon locker later, I’m already feeling anxious. I have asthma and have had pneumonia, so I don’t want to go there again. I literally have to force myself out of the house. Not knowing if I should be wearing a mask or not really doesn’t help!

Work-wise, it’s been tough too. I’ve lost some work, but then gained other pieces. But it’s not about the volume, it’s about my ability to concentrate. As I am typing I am currently listening to some old skool indie dance tunes. Not my usual Queen at full blast – but I find the quicker beats are somehow calming me down. Oh, except for Voodoo People, that makes me just want to dance!

I am struggling to get a routine. I’ve been saying for two weeks that I am going to make a timetable! I really do need to do that so that I know where I am at. I am juggling free and paid work – and as much as I’d love to do the free stuff, the bills come first!

So that was a bit of a catch-up, I am thinking that it would do me good to keep on top of my writing. There is something about getting all this out of your head, which is really quite cathartic. I hope you’re all safe. It’s such a difficult thing to process, but having lost one friend to the virus, I really hope you’re all doing OK. OK is enough you know, we don’t need to be perfect, at least not today!

Oh, and thanks to Cottonbro from Pexels for the pic, it sums up how I feel right now.