I recently finished watching Horizon, which as about Tony Slattery’s quest to work out what was going on with his mental health.
For the younger ones out there, Tony was a regular participant on the brilliant Who’s line is it anyway? A comedy improvisation show which saw Clive Anderson as the host and a number of great comedians like Greg Proops, John Sessions, Stephen Fry and Paul Merton. He was also a fixture on a whole heap of other shows back then including an appearance on Red Dwarf!
Then, sometime in the mid 1990s, he vanished. He disappeared just as I was at the peak of my mental illness.
Horizon follows Tony on his quest to find out if he has Bipolar, which back in the day was known as Manic Depression. I knew this was going to be a tough watch, but I wasn’t prepared for the parallels with my own life.
For those of you not familiar with Bipolar, it’s a complicated illness. There are now thought to be different types and in general, it’s thought to be a spectrum, similar to that of Autism. When people are in the mania phase, which comes with Type 1, it can be really dangerous. They have incredible highs, which often mean a lack of sleep, incredibly rash decisions and no comprehension that you’re putting yourself in danger. The mania can last for months. I am by no means an expert on this, but there is some really good information here if you’re interested in finding out more. The mania is also ‘balanced’ with periods of extreme lows. Depending on how long these last, you may have what is known as rapid cycling. It can be exhausting.
Back to Tony. It’s clear throughout the program that he still has an issue with drinking. It was one of the parallels of my life. I remember using alcohol to make me feel better. It never did, it just got me into some pretty hairy situations. Tony used coke, pretty heavily. In the program, he said it was actually to bring him down. He must have been on one hell of a mania for that!
He also talked about paranoia. One time he threw his possessions from his apartment into the river Thames. I didn’t quite get that far, but I do distinctly remember feeling incredibly paranoid. My visits to the mental health unit required a 20 min walk to get there. I was constantly convinced that people were watching me. I thought I literally saw curtains twitching. The paranoia was sometimes constant and incredibly scary. I remember being more scared of that than being suicidal if I am honest.
Tony’s story differed from mine in that he had been subject to abuse as an 8 year old boy. I had read about this before, but hearing him say it and seeing his reaction, was for me the most heart wrenching scene of the program. I was sat there wishing that I could dive into the TV screen and just give him a massive hug. It was enough to bring me to tears.
There was so much more to the program that what I’ve mentioned here. I do think that I am going to watch it again. Even though the subject matter was a tough one for me personally, it was actually a really heart warming story.
Tony is getting better, he has the love of his partner, Mark, too. A good person by your side is the best thing anyone with depression or bipolar, could ask for. Living with someone like that is no easy thing. You never know what you’re going to walk in too – and depending on your cycles, it could flick like a switch.
This blog just scrapes the surface of both Tony’s and my issues. It’s far more complex than 600 words on a blog. I hope that by starting the conversation, more people will open up.
Not Middle Aged 