It’s Tricky

Before we even get into this blog, you need to know as soon as I think about the title, I am singing ‘It’s Tricky’ by Run DMC. I need to get that out there – because it’s sending me crackers! What we also need to get out there is ‘it’s tricky’ is probably the biggest understatement of the year, ok?

Everything is bloody tricky right now. EVERYTHING!

I may have alluded to the fact that life was a bit shitty before, but this time I want to go a little deeper, at least on some of it. I feel that I need to get this out of me; otherwise, it will fester. I know where that means I end up, and I’ve promised myself I am never going back.

So where do I start? Well, some of this is not my story to tell. It never has been, and it never will be. But what I am prepared to share is that I have two very close family members who are battling cancer. I have had my own brushes with cancer twice, and it’s not easy. Even if you are given the news that it’s not actually The Big C, it stirs up a lot of emotion. To now have two of my closest family with cancer is beyond heartbreaking.

Every birthday or Christmas throws up feelings. Every scan or oncology appointment they have terrifies you. It’s like living in a constant state of high alert, and it’s not good for anyone. One of the hardest things I have had to do is to try and make my peace with it. Peace, for me, is that I cannot fix this shit. Even though I am naturally someone who fixes stuff, and did as a large part of my career, no amount of fixing can help. No money can buy back their health. Nothing I can do will change anything, and that is really bloody hard to stomach. Some days it’s ok. On other days I cry so much it hurts.

The bit that is my story to tell is my relationship with my other half. And, whilst I am not going to share all of it with you, I think there are things that need to be told in the hope that it helps someone else. As you know by now, I am a lady of a certain age, 50 to be precise, which also means that my hormones are going batshit. So far, I have not gone near HRT – and I am not sure I intend to. More on that later.

I’ve not medicated for anything other than my asthma and my underactive thyroid since the early 2000s. Hormones didn’t agree with me then, and neither did some of the SSRIs that I was given. So up until about the start of this year, I was happily riding the shitstorm that is mental health lunacy with an added twist of peri-menopause sauce. But since the start of this year, things have got progressively worse. Mainly my periods, they’re just bloody awful (excuse the pun!).

What has this got to do with married bliss, you may wonder? Well, given that we’ve had covid to contend with, two lots of cancer and my hormones doing a little sodding happy dance, a lot has changed in my head.

I am incredibly self-aware; you need to be to manage your mental health without any meds. Or at least that is my view. The challenges that I’ve faced these last three years or so have started me questioning what I want from my life. Right now, I am not sure its THIS (you have to imagine me waggling arms around frantically pointing all around me)

There is nothing exactly wrong with ‘this’.

I have a good job, home and am doing ok for money in the general scheme of things. I don’t have an abusive relationship (had some of that shit, and I am not going back there either), but something just isn’t clicking for me, and that is making me feel unhappy.

Some of you are probably sitting there shaking your head, calling me an ungrateful bitch, and perhaps I am. But I also have seen lives flash in front of my eyes, and I am not about to spend the rest of mine not living my best life. But what this all means is anyone’s guess.

He’s been given the chance to go to New Zealand to work for two months. So I will spend two months on my own trying to work out what the hell I want from this life. Right now I feel that it needs to be much simpler, less stuff, less stress and a much smaller house, preferably by the sea.

There is so much more to it than what I’ve shared here, but right now, this is all that I know to be true. I also know things will never be the same again. Too much has happened to go back to how things were before. I also know that it is so hard to explain this to anyone, and, believe me, I’ve tried.

There are plenty of women who get to this age and decide that’s it. They want to rip everything up and start again. So in some respects, I am standing on the shoulders of giants. But this stuff is scary. Do I literally throw everything away and start again? Do I put up and shut up? (You all know that isn’t going to happen!) I’ve even thought about running away and doing something totally crazy. When I was 26, that worked, but now I am twice the age; I don’t think my knees will cope with the running!

One thing I don’t know is if my bloody hormones are adding to this – hence starting to wonder if the mythical, magical beast that is HRT should be on my radar. But to be honest, that stresses me out. I’ve had a couple of conversations with GPs at my surgery and had conflicting advice.

When your head is like a shed as it is, that really isn’t what I need right now.

So there you have it, it is tricky and in the words of the great Run DMC…

It’s like that y’all (y’all), but we don’t quit
You keep on (rock!) shock! Cos this is it…

Can’t really add to that, can I?