Yeah, I know; another song title and another blog quickly after the last one. But that’s how I roll; music always is and always will be my first love.
Gary Numan was one of them. 1979 Top of the Pops, with Tubeway Army, god, he was something otherworldly… Along with Adam Ant, before he was bloody Prince Charming, but that is for another day.
So why a blog about Numan? Well, it’s not about him; it’s about this song and my mental health (yeah, we’re on that again!)
The last two weeks have been shocking for my mental health. I don’t think I’ve been this low in a long time, not consistently. Now those of you who are in the medical profession are probably jumping up and down, telling me to get to my GP and get some meds. Well, that’s not how we roll here.
Just to recap, I don’t do meds. I’ve not done them for about 20 years, and I am not about to start now. I manage this shit on my own, always, and that, my friend, is where the song comes in.
You know I hate to ask
But are ‘friends’ electric?
Only mine’s broke down
And now I’ve no-one to love
This is a song about a man who is feeling lonely and calls for a prostitute, except she’s not human, and the only way you know is by looking into her eyes.
Gary Numan has a great skill for telling our futures, right? That prostitute, for me, is my friends who exist only in my phone.
The people who I’ve rarely met in real life, if ever, and who seem to understand my every thought. But the problem with these ‘friends’ is that they are miles away, and they cannot give me all that I need when I need it. This becomes even more apparent when I share how my mental health is on social media. There are lots of messages of support, but how many of them are there at 11pm on a Monday night when seemingly the only option is to stare down the neck of a JD bottle. The time when I needed someone’s arms around me to give me a proper hug and just calm my nervous system down.
When you’re in the depths of despair, sometimes you just need someone close. Not in a sexual context either; just hearing someone else’s heartbeat and feeling their warmth.
This is not a dig at these people, far from it. They are wonderful people, and I am glad they are in my life. This is also not a chance for an open season about me sharing shit on socials. I do that because of what I do; I choose to share my struggles so people know they are not alone.
Far too many of us, myself included, can hide this shit better than we can hide birthday presents. I can even hide it from myself; yes, I am that good. After 30 years, I know the games our minds play, and sometimes I can choose to ignore them. But that only works for so long, and then bang, it all explodes in my face.
These people, the friends in my phone, help to keep me sane. But our mental health, and with that, the survival of our species, relies on us being able to be in physical contact with people. A proper hug with someone, lasting about 20 seconds, does us wonders. It regulates our systems and releases hormones that make us feel good.
Added to that, sometimes we just need to switch off the little lightbox in our hands!
We are not designed to be welded to them, but I know that I, for one, am addicted to it. I have that sort of personality. I am all or nothing. If I love you, it’s with all of my heart, just like if I decide I am going to start a new hobby, it’s all in. But the problem with this addiction is it’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more I interact with it, the more I get back, and the more addicted I become.
This last week I’ve tried to step away. But it’s hard. I work as a Marketing Manager, so I need to be on socials. I also run Invisible Wall, and the Bundesliga season is kicking off again, so I want to be giving that some love too. This isn’t an excuse either. It’s about one of the daily battles that I have in my head. The need to leave the phone alone, but also the knowing that some of the people who mean a lot to me are in there.
Part of this is that I am also feeling myself becoming more and more socially isolated. I work from home, and I rarely do anything social these days, so sometimes, the only people I see are my colleagues if we arrange a coffee date or the cashiers in the local supermarket. The extroverted version of me is hiding somewhere, cowering in a corner, and I don’t like that one bit.
So what do I do?
I am trying to get out more. I am trying to see the friends that I’ve become isolated from. I am trying to not check my phone every two seconds to see what is happening in the world that I am hiding from. I am also trying really hard to be kind to myself.
One of my biggest issues is not feeling good enough. No matter how much I achieve, no matter how many compliments, qualifications or bloody husbands I have (I’ve had three, btw), I never feel good enough.
Ultimately, I am just like the character in this song, and part of me thinks that is incredibly sad.
So I found out your reason for the phone calls and smiles
And it hurts and I’m lonely
And I should never have tried
And I missed you tonight
So it’s time to leave
You see it meant everything to me
Not Middle Aged 