This is not the first time this has been the title of a blog or an article. I originally used this over on LinkedIn as a title for an article which talked about the transition from corporate to freelance work, back in 2018. You can read that article here if you feel like you want to see some of my earlier writing!
The start of that article, if you don’t want to read it, was this… For some reason, I woke up with The Who song, The Real Me, as an earworm this week. I am not entirely sure why this decided to implant itself firmly in my brain, but it did! For those of you not familiar with the song, it’s about Jimmy, a character from Quadrophenia. He has multiple personalities, and he clearly wants to sort out who he is. (You get bonus points for knowing who has covered this too!)
You still get bonus points for knowing who covered it!
Now, some five years after writing that article, I feel like I want to come back to who the real me actually is. It’s a tough question to answer, mainly because I am human, and we are complex creatures.
Who are you?
If I was to ask you who you were, what would you say? What would I say?
I’d probably say something about being a marketer, a coach and a mental health hellraiser – that’s my answer to most things, but is that who I really am?
Who is are is so much more complex than a few labels that we may have been given by other people. It can also change depending on who we are talking with. Surely I am not the only one who is different with my family, my friends and my work colleagues?
If I were to sit down and think about who knew the real me, I’d say there is less than a handful of people who get to see me without the masks that I wear. But then they will all see me differently because of the masks they wear, and then we’re in messy territory!
Does this really matter?
In some cases, I’d say no, it doesn’t if you’re happy with where your life is going and what you’re doing, but I’m not. I’ve spoken a few times about how things are for me right now, and I feel that a massive shakeup is long overdue.
The problem right now is that I want to throw everything up in the air and start again, and that can feel really unsettling. I know I have been like this before. I did it in 1999 when I left everything I knew to move from Sheffield to Manchester. I did it again when I left my 2nd husband; and again when I decided to leave the job I was bloody good at to be self-employed. Funnily enough, these events all seem to happen on a 7 to 10 year timescale… Perhaps I just get bored?
So what is next?
One thing that I’ve learnt over these years and these various different metamorphoses is that I need to trust my gut. There is nothing like it to tell you what you really want. Our brains are here to protect us; they want to keep us safe from scary shit which no longer exists in the world. They can’t help it. They don’t know the truth from fiction.
This is all about me taking time; there are no rash decisions going on here. Though, if the right decision is to up-sticks and move from Manchester, I will. I am not scared to start over. I have managed to craft myself a life where I can work from anywhere, and that is a great comfort, but I also know I am pretty bloody privileged in that.
Right now, I spend a lot of time in deep thought, which isn’t always the best when it comes to someone with mental health issues; it’s no coincidence that my depression is worse than it’s been in a while. That is because I am constantly cycling through the various things I’ve done in my life and what I’d change and perhaps even the shit choices I’ve made.
Right now, I am in the middle of the storm, and I don’t see the way out. Not that it’s always a bad thing for me. It’s about trusting the process and knowing that the way forward will present itself when I am ready to see it.
What can you do if you feel the same?
My first thing would be don’t panic about how you’re feeling. It’s easier said than done, but the more you thrash about, the worse it gets!
I’d also say take time out from all the noise. Our lives are really noisy places, and all the mental chatter we have constantly can become deafening. Ideally, get some time in nature. We are hardwired to love nature. Our eyes are wired to pick up fractals, which we see all the time in nature, which is why they’re so pleasing. Actually, don’t get me on fractals; I’ll wang on for hours! Just know you need to get out more.
Finally, trust the process. I firmly believe that what we need will come to us. Sometimes we’re not aware of the bigger picture as we’re so down in the detail. It happens to us all, so don’t worry.
Oh, and if you’re wondering, the cover was done by W.A.S.P – It was on their Headless Children release of 1989 – yep, I’m showing my age!!
Not Middle Aged 