At the heart of it all

Yep, another song track – but I’m not telling you who this one is by. Answers on a postcard, please…

And yes, this is another blog about love, or at least my take on it. You all know by now that these last two years haven’t been exactly kind to me, so my relationship with the current husband has suffered. There’s no wonder. A lot has been thrown my way.

He’s been away for 4 weeks, and I’ve had time to live alone. I am starting to think there is a lot more to it, a hell of a lot more!

First things first, peri-menopause. Everyone and his mother are talking about this, and it’s not bad, but it’s not the answer to everything, at least not for me. I’ve been on this particular leg of my journey for about 8 years now, and I don’t think that alone has had a massive impact on this situation. I wrote about that before here.

What I don’t talk about much on here is ADHD.

For about 5 years, I’ve suspected I have that brain. I’ve got a lot of friends now who are the same. A lot of them are female, but some are not. And quite honestly, the similarities are shocking (at least to me!)

I’ve decided that I don’t want to get diagnosed.

That’s the first thing. The thought of having to sit through tests and do as I am told actually terrifies me. Nearly as much as going to the dentist! So that isn’t going to happen. This in itself generates a lot of anguish and stigma. There have been voices I once respected discussing how it’s ‘fashionable’. Believe me, I’d rather not have this brain that I feel is permanently trying to work against me. So before we get into this, let’s not stigmatise people for being curious about how their brains work, right?

But what has this got to do with love? Well, as it goes, quite a lot!

So, a lot of people with ADHD have a rejection issue. I had no idea about this until I saw a story on Instagram from the absolutely wonderful adhd_love. It talked about RSD, which I’d never heard of until that day a few weeks ago!

So, what the hell is RSD? It stands for Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria; by god, does this make sense.

Basically, we see rejection coming (even when it really isn’t), feel it harder and generally, it can make it more difficult for us to handle relationships. The one thing that jumped out of the page of this article in Additude Mag is that it can mean that we’re looking for something idealised, which may never actually exist!

Some studies suggest that RSD is worse in women. Couple that with the peri-menopause changing how our symptoms present, it can be an absolute bloody nightmare.

So now I am sitting home alone in my splendid isolation, wondering what the hell it is that I am looking for in a life partner. To be honest, I can’t answer that.

The other doozy in the gift that keeps on giving is that we can fantasise with the best of them. It’s not just the kinky stuff, either! I am talking about living in your head and having an imaginary life there!

We are prone to replaying scenarios in our heads, but we also have the ability to daydream with purpose – something that I can totally relate to. Maladaptive Daydreaming is where you can end up in this purpose-driven daydream for hours. It’s like having a whole life that exists in your head.

Sometimes, this daydreaming can be a blessing. It takes you to a place that feels really safe, but it also can take you to a place that, whilst safe, isn’t real. I will admit now that I’ve recently been spending more time there. A place where I have a relationship that outwardly seems perfect.

But there is a problem with that. The person in this fantasy life isn’t ‘real’. They are a composite of people who I’ve loved, wanted to love and who I may fancy like mad. They’re not anyone that I could ever meet or be with. They are perfect because they behave how I want in the scenarios in my head. They greet me in a certain way, talk to me in a certain way, and are the perfect lover. Why wouldn’t they be?

I’ll say it again for the ones at the back… They are not real.

All this makes me wonder if I am comparing the husband to this ‘thing’ in my head. Perhaps I am; perhaps there is so much more to it than I’ve touched on. The one thing that I do know is that ADHD, Mental Health and relationships are all incredibly close bedfellows, and there isn’t always an easy answer.

Did you get the track? There is a clue in the image…