Let me be your fantasy

In the last blog, I spoke a bit more about my relationship and how ADHD, hormones and mental health are affecting it.

One of the things I talked about is maladaptive daydreaming. This is something that could be linked to both ADHD and some mental health disorders. Essentially, you can daydream for hours and control the daydream’s narrative.

I want to share some of the daydream I discussed in my last blog… This is pretty personal stuff, but I am prepared to go there!

Are you ready? Here we go…

I know this person.

We’ve been talking for a while but never met in real life. They come across as kind, considerate, and aware of their feelings and failings. After a while, we agreed to meet. They travel to Manchester, and we meet at the station.

It sounds like it should be some Humphrey Bogart film or something, but it’s not black and white. It’s full glorious technicolour and perfectly vibrant.

I wait on the concourse.

I am nervous. I enjoy this person’s company virtually, but can I be sure how this will translate to real life? Not really. I stand there. I’ve tried sitting, but I am too full of nervous energy to sit down. So I stand, and then I pace. My phone vibrates. Their train is pulling in, and they will be with me soon. I can feel the colour rising in my cheeks as the reality of this moment starts to kick in.

Then I see them.

Depending on which version I feel like, they may be tall with dark hair and a beard. In other versions, they are lighter-haired, with a beard. But they always have the most hypnotic eyes. Again, there are versions. Sometimes, they are blue/grey, others green, and sometimes dark as night. But whatever colour they are, you can’t help but be fixated on them.

He is tall, or at least taller than me.

He walks down the platform towards me. He is wearing a dark overcoat, which fits close to his frame. Underneath is a dark sweatshirt, jeans and boots. His hair is always shorter and always immaculate. Freshly cut.

I close my eyes briefly to centre myself, and then he is there. Stood in front of me. The first thing I notice is the eyes. They draw me in before we even get physically close. He says hello. His accent is soft, and his words float into my ears.

I feel sick.

For what feels like an eternity, we stand there, looking into each other’s eyes, and then he asks if he can hug me. I finally manage to say yes. At this point, I feel like my whole body is frozen to the spot. I can’t think or move. I feel paralysed with just the power of his eyes. He steps closer and pulls me into his body. In that split second, it feels like the world is simultaneously spinning faster, stopping and going backwards.

We hug.

The hug slows my breathing down. I feel like the whole world can wait. This hug is the best I’ve ever experienced. We both support our own weight, and we stand there. Slowly, he shifts his balance and moves to kiss my neck. I have no idea what to do or say. I am frozen again. His lips touch my neck, and I feel my whole body respond.

It’s just one kiss.

Never have we said anything about having these feelings. We’ve discussed everything but never let each other know there may be more than a friendship. For a split second, I was confused. I don’t know how to react, what to do, what to say. Then, as if on autopilot, I kiss his neck, but I feel like I’ve lingered slightly longer than I should have. What if this wasn’t what I thought? What if he was just being friendly.

I panic.

He pulls his head away, and I can feel my anxiety reaching a fever pitch. The station is spinning. What have I done? Have I overstepped the mark? Then I see his eyes again. They are not angry or shocked but full of kindness. I close my eyes and breathe deeply.

He kisses me.

This time, it’s not my neck; it’s my lips. The first kiss is soft as if to test the waters. The next one comes quickly and has more meaning. My whole body has goosebumps, and my legs, whilst rooted to the spot, feel like they will collapse at any moment. As if sensing this, he pulls me in closer.

I wake up.

Although I’ve not been asleep, I come back to my body. In every version of this dream, it’s like this. It’s as if this has happened to someone else, not me. I come back to the station concourse, and he is still there. He is still holding me, and we are still kissing.

I tell him I knew this was coming.

This dream is like deja vu; I’ve lived it a thousand times, yet I’ve never lived it. I sit in this fantasy world a lot. I never dream it; it’s always when I wake up or drop off to sleep. It’s like the bookmark to mark my day’s start and end.

I go there several times, perhaps different iterations, before either fully getting out of bed or dropping off to sleep. I often don’t want to get out of bed until I am happy this has been appropriately explored. If I am interrupted, I start again.

This person may well exist, or these people may well do. I’ve just not met them yet. Maybe one day I will; maybe I already have, and I just didn’t see it?