It’s been a while again, right? What was supposed to be a place to dump my thoughts has become like a graveyard of late. But that is ok. I feel like I am waking up again, I don’t know if this is good news or what!
Back in November, I wrote about wanting more. I’d also just been to a vision board workshop where I’d created something that wasn’t quite as spectacular in my head as it should have been. You can see that here.
For a long time, I’ve had a vision if you will, of an alternate reality that I can see in my head. It comes to me before I sleep and when I wake, along with various other images – one is often a Merkaba.
But back to the vision. I live in a small place by the water. I am not alone, but I don’t see the person. I know there is a lot of laughter and music. I also know there is a dog. The place is full of light and love and I am happy. I don’t yet know where this place is, but I came very close to it when I was in Anglesea a while ago.
I know when I find this place, I have come home.
The thing about vision boards is you do them, then forget you’ve done them. Except Jibril sits next to me every day. I had no idea why I chose a lion, perhaps I do now. But that is for another day. The water and travel have also appeared in my life; all three are equally significant, but all for going deeper into on another day too.
There is a quote on my board that says ‘You can change the trajectory of your life by changing the lens through which you see it’ that change is coming.
But what has all this crap got to do with silence?
I’ve started to remove all the distractions from my life.
I’ve cut ties with people who I don’t want on this journey, and I’ve found others have come in. When I say distractions, I also mean physical clutter in my house. I am slowly starting to remove all the weight that has been sitting around me for a long time. I am trying to get healthy again, and that in itself is a tale.
I think I probably had Covid again at Xmas last year, and as someone who has already had Glandular Fever and Covid before, it wasn’t pretty. My energy has been non-existent, and after a long time of fighting this fact, I’ve had to make peace with the fact that I need to find new ways to make me feel better.
I have also made peace with silence.
As an ADHD person, who is massively extroverted, this is a new experience. I don’t do quiet, or so I told myself, except now I do. I love nothing more than shutting myself in my office space at home and embracing the silence in there. The sense of being cocooned and feeling safe in my own world. I can see why people go on silent retreats, there is something about sitting with stillness that initially is incredibly unnerving, but then, eventually, you start to hear yourself and all the things you missed.
This has made me feel even more comfortable with the fact that I would be happy on my own. But I also know I would never be lonely.
That is a new feeling too. I’ve never really been single since I was about 16. There’s always been someone in my life, but this has made me wonder if I actually really know who I am? So many of the pieces of me have come from others. There is nothing wrong with that, but I wonder who Sarah really is?
There is so much more that I want to share, but right now it’s not the right time. All I can promise you is that this old bird is not done yet. She has some tricks up her sleeve but perhaps in the spirit of the title of this blog… Words are very unnecessary, They can only do harm.
Until next time…
Not Middle Aged 