This blog has been in my head for 15 months. It’s going to cover topics around sex, fantasy and other things which some people might not want to read about. This is your chance to step away… If not? Then let’s go on a magic carpet ride…
I need to start by saying that I am not condoning anything non-consensual or illegal. I am not condoning the use of sex as a method of coercive control or anything that could deemed to be domestic abuse or indeed any kind of abuse.
But I want to explore desire, and how that shapes who we are, and perhaps who we are not. I have a feeling this will take more than one blog, so be patient with me!
One thing that we need to get out in the open is that most people will have some form of sexual desire or fantasies. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that at all. Of course, some do not, and that is equally ok.
Where I think we have a massive issue, is our ability to express such things.
From a very young age, most of us would have not been exposed to what this could look like. Particularly if you’re around my age. We didn’t really see that much sex on TV or in the mainstream media. You’ve only really got to go back to the 80s and 90s to see what sex did for people!
I am thinking here of two big things.
Franky Goes to Hollywood’s Relax was banned in the UK in 1984. It was banned for what was deemed to be overtly sexual lyrics. Though reading them now, they’re pretty tame! But back then it was far too much for the Mary Whitehouse brigade to cope with. Perhaps it was also because it was an openly gay man singing?
The next was Madonna’s Sex book, which was released just 8 years later, and caused more upset. The book was released to coincide with the release of her album Erotica and features images and text discussing fantasy and sex. None of which are particularly explicit (I’ve read it), perhaps it was her use of language? Interestingly Erotica was one of her lower-selling releases of the 80s and 90s in countries like the US.
What have these got in common?
In my mind, they were breaking the ground that had not been trodden so publically before. Though to be honest I am not sure what is more shocking to the ‘normal’ masses. A gay man talking about sexual acts, or a woman daring to talk about desire and fantasy. I think this is why we still have an issue with talking about sex (the original title of this was going to be ‘Let’s Talk About Sex)
Having sexual fantasies is not wrong. Though we’re often made to feel like it is. Particularly if these fantasies are deemed to be not ‘normal’. Fantasy is a healthy part of who we are and finding out what our boundaries are. We don’t need to act on them, and we definitely don’t need to be ashamed of them. But a lot of people are.
I count myself as lucky, in that I spent a lot of time in the ‘alternative’ community. It’s much more open when it comes to talking about themes around sex, fantasy and fetish. You only have to look at the roots of punk in the UK, to see the excitement that Vivienne Westwood’s shop SEX caused. Jordan was seen as something equally terrifying and beautiful in equal measure (for me she was absolutely the latter)
So why am I wanging on about this on Christmas Day?
I had my Spotify on random last night, and China Doll came on. The song by Julian Cope reminds me of an old lover, that I had back in my 20s. There was nothing really out of the ordinary about the relationship, it lasted probably about 9 months. But he encouraged me to explore some of the fantasies that I’d kept in my head. Ones similar to the one I’ve shared before here, but that is a relatively new addition to my arsenal!
It got me thinking about the lyrics to the song, where there is a verse that talks about themes that could be seen to be abusive or violent, potentially resulting in the death of the girl.
But surely it depends on your point of view?
You feel my flailing arms around your neck, china doll
You feel my crazy silence ’round the depths of your soul
And all the misery and crying, all the reasons I don’t give
You’re gonna wake up in the morning with a crowd ’round your bed
And this is where I come back to where we started.
Fantasies are normal, they’re part of our human experience.
We all may have very different ones, or they may fall into the general themes that are often seen in research; such as BDSM and consensual non-monogamy etc. Whether you like them or not, depends very much on your own points of view and internal drivers.
Recently, Gillian Anderson, the subject of quite a few fantasies, released a book called Want. This book detailed some women’s fantasies, including her own. However, some reviews feel that there is still some watering down of what women actually desire. It’s on my reading list, because I am interested in seeing what other women desire, particularly when we’ve been brought up to not share it openly.
If you’re lucky enough to find someone with whom you can share your fantasies, then nurture that soul. It feels like they are a rare gem in a world that is just not ready to believe that we, especially women, or indeed the queer community, are still not allowed to have our own set of needs and desires.
Not Middle Aged 