Two blogs in quick succession means I have a lot to say, right? Maybe… This one is probably just more of an update than anything useful or thought provoking to be honest.
Shall we dive in?
Family
Some of you will know that I am surrounded by cancer. Both my parents have cancer as does my niece. It’s shit. There’s not much else I can add to that. Thankfully everyone seems to be ok, but it’s a timebomb waiting to go off.
I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
Every text or phone call induces panic. But the worst thing is the feeling of being able to do nothing. I used to fix things for a living, and this is something I cannot fix. It is also not my story, so we’ll leave it there now.
Therapy
I’ve been in therapy for a good percentage of the last 12 months. It was something that I decided I needed given all the other crap that is hovering around in my life. These sessions are now coming to an end. In fact, Tuesday is my last one.
Truthfully, I am scared of what that means. My regular sessions have become a space where I feel safe and I can clear my head. I can bring anything to the table and know I will not be judged.
The theme has been not being good enough. It’s a theme that has been with me most of my life, like an old, comfortable pair of trainers. I sometimes feel like I have cracked it. But when I am stressed or tired, it all comes flooding back.
It’s not helpful. I hate it. But somehow I need to make peace with it.
Mental Health
I am separating this from therapy because therapy is quite specific and is helping with a specific issue. My general mental health is something different.
I write these blogs to get things out there. I share them on social media because my intention is always to help others. However, my last post generated some conversation about how it might be received differently from my intentions.
It was quite a shock. Initially, I was really angry. But then I sat and thought about it.
Here’s the thing. No one who reads these really knows me. Actually, come to think about it, most people in my life don’t really know me. I am good at hiding how I feel. Having had depression for a good 30-plus years, you get good at hiding things. It goes with the territory.
I am trying to be more open with how I feel. Sometimes it spectacularly backfires on me. It has today. But that’s the thing, no one is perfect and we just need to keep going. Because, frankly, the alternative is far worse.
ADHD
This is the next thing to tackle on my to-do list. I’ve known for a good 5 years that perhaps I have ADHD. But I’ve never had a formal diagnosis. The whole thing terrifies me. But I am starting to realise that I need to get help.
I am still not sure that I would want meds, it’s complex and there are huge shortages. But to be able to have something to essentially cling on to, right now, feels like the best answer.
The next few months will be spent looking at what I need to do. The chances of getting this diagnosis done on the NHS are pretty slim. The waiting lists are huge. So it’s about finding a place I trust and saving the £1000+ that will be needed. No easy feat…
General Health
This has been trying recently. I’ve been deaf since March. Well, I say deaf. Partially on my right side, but it’s accompanied by tinnitus and it makes socialising really bloody hard.
I’ve been under the weather since that all kicked off, so my diet and exercise are not good. This is a bit of a catch-22 because I know they’re so closely connected. I am making small changes to try and get back to a better place.
So there you go, a little update. I chose the title for this because, I am learning to survive in a world that for the good part, at least for the last four years, has felt increasingly more scary… Plus, it’s a song that means something to me. When my world feels like it’s unravelling hearing this makes me remember where I am, and soothes my soul…
Not Middle Aged 