At the start of December 2025, I moved my writing over to Substack. The decision was made to try to streamline my written content to allow it to be in one place. However, for perhaps one last time, I feel the urge to write here… We’ll see how it goes!
Those who know me know that Nine Inch Nails are my favourite band. Admittedly, the older stuff, I was there from the start, so it’s no surprise that this is my final choice for a title. From Further Down the Spiral, it’s a cacophony that hits you in the heart, or is that just me?
The lyrics pretty much consist of the words ‘kill me’ repeated over and over. Good choice, I think, for more than one reason right now.
2025 was not a good year. I had hoped that 2026 would be better, and it had every possibility to be. But then life has a habit of smacking you in the chops. There were lots of endings, literally in the first two months. One was my job.
The other, well, that’s harder to talk about.
Someone who was incredibly significant in my life left. I wasn’t entirely blameless. I said something I should not have. However, they cut me off. No discussion, no reasoning, nothing. No adults in the room.
Dead.
See why I chose this track now?
Not because I want to end my life. It’s more that this track feels the same as what I have been feeling. The repetitive nature of it, the frustration, the pain.
I would never betray this person’s trust. I would never name names or do anything to ‘out’ them. So this has to be the most vague piece of writing ever, right? But they changed my life and my view of who I am. They made me walk taller. They helped me to grow into who I knew I always was.
Then they were gone.
It’s not the first time there’s been no closure. I’ve written about that over on Substack. You can read that here.
Funnily, the track after Eraser is At The Heart Of It All, which is essentially a track built around what sounds like breathing and a heartbeat. That feels more like where I am now, this second. I am breathing again, and my heart is coming back to its normal rhythm. But there is something unnatural about it all, mechanical even.
I don’t know how to deal with a lack of closure, so this is my best attempt. To try and get the thoughts out of my head, because it really has been a Downward Spiral moment.
I wish this person well. I hope they find what they are looking for. If they’ve found another person to support them on their road, they are all that they need. I hold no malice.
But for me?
I will eternally kick myself for saying what I said. The coach/therapist in me tells me that if they could cut me off that swiftly and with medical precision, then did they really care as they said?
I don’t know. That’s the thing. I’ll never know. Perhaps it’s not for me to know.
I will survive this; I will close the wound somehow. But life will never be the same.
As I am sitting here typing, a magpie has just landed on my bay window roof. I have a few pairs that live around my house. They’re my spirit animal. They’re always chattering, and that comforts me when I feel like this.
Perhaps as always, they are sign?
The magpie that swoops in from nowhere and chooses to sit with you? Maybe I need to watch the signs?
Apologies if this is a disjointed ramble. That’s where my head is at currently. There are no joined-up dots right now. The snow globe was well and truly shaken again.
But that very action of shaking my world gives me the chance to rebuild and start again. Start again, I will. Not only in my relationships, but also in my work. I am taking some time out and will be coming back to where I go next at the start of April.
In the meantime, if you made it this far, or indeed have ever read any of my writing. I thank you. There are some new offerings in the pipeline, so keep an eye out for what comes next…
Not Middle Aged 