On Retreat

Sorry for the radio silence. The joys of being self-employed means that life doesn’t always go like you planned! The last few weeks have been a bit like that, but the big thing keeping me going was going on a Buddhist retreat this weekend, to Madhyamaka near Pocklington. However, even that didn’t go quite to plan either…

Going on retreat has been something which has been on a long list of things to do for a long time. I’ve been a semi-practising Buddhist for well over 20 years, after an encounter with some Krishna monks in Sheffield town centre. Finally, I booked the retreat and went over to Kilnwick Percy Hall on Friday night.

The drive over from Manchester wasn’t too bad, though there was a comedy situation at the services on the M62, which I am too embarrassed about to detail here! I arrived at the centre at 4pm ready to be shown to my dorm. That’s when it all went a bit odd! I’d been totally chilled and relaxed about going. When I saw the statue at the gates, I was overwhelmed with a sense of relief. But when I stepped into the dorm, that relief was replaced with total and utter panic. It literally hit me like a tonne of bricks. The joys of living with anxiety is that it can hit you when you least expect it!

The dorm wasn’t out of the ordinary, 11 beds, some free, some occupied. It was like any other dorm, there were belongings neatly arranged on shelves, toiletries in the bathroom, but for some reason, my mind went totally and utterly berserk. I tried to ignore it and made up my bed, put my stuff behind my bunk, and went for a walk. The feelings just wouldn’t go away. To the point where I was literally in tears and ready to pack my stuff and come home. Luckily I found people to talk too and my mind calmed down a little.

The centre itself is gorgeous, there are beautiful grounds, the meditation rooms are breathtaking. The best bit? I couldn’t get on the WiFi, or get any signal. So for the first time in a long time, my phone was off. It’s not like some glamorous retreat you see on the pages of a glossy mag, it’s a real working Buddhist centre, serviced by an army of willing volunteers. My expectations of it were perfectly aligned, however, there were people who had a massive issue with it all (as I found out later).

We had an evening meditation session lead by Margaret, one of the teachers. It was a really calming and timely meditation. Just focusing on the breath, but I generally think this is the best thing to centre on. After all, your breath is always with you! There weres some readings from How To Transform Your Life, which was the book the retreat was based around.

I am sure we heard some snoring at the back!

Friday night’s supper was a hearty bowl of veg soup, homemade bread, and lots of lively conversation with the other retreat members. I ended up talking to someone who literally was at Uni the same time as me, who remembered the Krishna guys in town and who also lived around the corner from where I lived! How small is our world?

Bedtime came around, and this is really where it all went wrong for me. I went to the dorm, a couple girls were already in bed, so quietly I went over to my bunk and clambered into my sleeping bag. The bed was pretty comfy, the pillow sadly wasn’t, but that wasn’t the end of the world. I was grateful that I had a bed to sleep in. Then it started. The sheep… There is a massive flock, who’d been making some noise in the meditation sessions – but they didn’t seem too bad when you’re mind is concentrated on your breath. I swear it sounded like they were next to my head! They carried on well into the night, then started again at around 4am. By which point my eyes were like saucers, and I just wanted some sleep. I think I managed about three hours of broken sleep. All of this was compounded by the fact that I couldn’t listen to my hypnotherapy recording, as it was on YouTube and there was no signal. If I had been able to get to that, I am sure I would have slept.

Come 8:30am and after some serious contemplation, I decided that I was going to come home after the last session on Saturday. It meant that I would miss the final two sessions of the course, however, in my head, it was safer to come home after one night’s lack of sleep than two! Especially as I was facing over 90 mins of driving to get home.

The sessions on Saturday were again really relaxing, with more readings from Kelsang Gyatso’s book. One powerful meditation was focused on the breath, but on the out breath, you let go of all of what is troubling you, by exhaling black smoke. The in breath allows you to bring in clear and purifying light. It certainly worked for me.

I was really sad to hear that a few people were unhappy with the retreat. One lady had gone bonkers at the state of her room. It was clearly not up to what she’d expected, I believe she left pretty quickly. However, I think it really needed to be looked at in context. I paid £105 for my dorm, in that I got two nights of accommodation, two days of food and all my teaching. I think it’s exceptional value for what you get. The centre is not a 4* boutique hotel. It’s not serviced by an army of paid cleaning and maintenance staff. Pretty much most of the people there who are looking after our comfort are volunteers. They all did their best. OK, the dorm bathroom was not spotless, but nor was it dirty. It was a bathroom which was used by up to 11 of us and was in need of a refurb, but was that really the point?

The whole reason to go there, for me, was to learn more about meditation and to improve my practice. Which, as it goes, isn’t as shabby as I thought. I can happily sit in meditation for 20 mins now without too much distraction. For someone who can barely sit still or switch off, this is nigh on miraculous. Not only that there were so many interesting people, and we had some wonderfully deep conversations about life and all its twists and turns. It genuinely was a great day. I was sad to come home, but I feel that I have gained so much.

I am now more focused on the fact that I need to keep practising meditation. I also need to keep switching off. I am hoping that I can build both of these into my daily life so that I get the best of both worlds. I also know that I will go back to Madhyamaka. But next time I will opt for a single room. For me being on retreat is not about being in total solitude, but there is something about that which I feel would benefit me.

If you wish to read the book, you can download it for free here